*
[Cheering and applause]
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver. Thanks for being with us.
A quick recap of what happened this week.
It's basically been all about the World Cup.
The USA escaped the group of death.
Congratulations. [Cheering and applause]
However, England have been knocked out,
so this stupid tournament is now dead to me.
Dead.
The games have been absolutely amazing all week,
although one incident in particular caught
everyone's attention.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: It was the chomp
seen around the world.
Uruguay's Luis Suarez, one of the top players in the world,
appears to take a bite out of an Italian defender's shoulder.
Did he or didn't he?
Oh, he did. Oh, he did.
He bit that human being.
And in his defense, that is one delicious piece of
prime Italian steak he's tucking into right there.
Incredibly, this is actually the third time
that Suarez has done this.
If he bites 7 more people, he gets a free person.
[Applause]
But Suarez--relax--Suarez did not leave the World Cup
without also scoring the excuse of the tournament.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Suarez insists he didn't bite
Giorgio Chiellini, saying, "I lost my balance,
making my body unstable and falling on top of my opponent."
That makes complete sense.
It's just like someone claiming they ruined their diet because
they tripped and fell face-first into an entire cheesecake.
Meanwhile, in a week of horrible news
about terrorist incidents around the world,
there was one unexpectedly encouraging development.
You know, for months, Nigeria's army
has been trying to flush out
the Islamic sect of Boko Haram
militants in hiding.
Well, now it appears
they're leaving voluntarily,
at least some of them.
According to the Vanguard,
they're being driven out of the forest
by snakes and bees.
What? Snakes and bees?
I never thought I'd say this,
but thank goodness for that angry swarm of snakes and bees.
Thank you, snakes. Thank you, bees.
The only way I could love this story more would be
if those bees were actually riding the snakes into battle.
On my signal, slither!
Slither!
And by the way, I would like to take a quick moment
to say, what the fuck, scorpions?
Where the hell have you been during all this?
A man shopping at a Walmart in the south hills
got more than a bargain when he went to reach for some bananas.
He got a pinch from a scorpion.
Scorpions, what is wrong with you?
Stop hiding in bananas in Pittsburgh-area Walmarts.
Get your shit together and fight terrorism like snakes and bees.
[Cheers and applause]
And finally--finally, Syria
remains in a state of utter chaos.
But this week, the White House finally issued
its most significant action yet.
The White House announced Thursday
it's seeking $500 million from Congress
to aid moderate rebels in Syria.
The aid will be used to train and equip
appropriately vetted elements of the moderate Syrian
armed opposition.
Hold on. How exactly do you
appropriately vet a rebel soldier?
Do you sit down with them at a local Starbucks
and go over their resume?
Now, it says here that you spent a year as an intern
for a Kurdish freedom fighting movement.
Fascinating. Tell us a little about that experience.
Look, there are 1,000 distinct armed units in Syria,
and some of them are horrifying.
So, if we are going to recruit the right ones,
we need to do this properly.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Are you a Syrian who is interested in
toppling your country's government?
Are you certifiably not a terrorist?
Do you promise you're not a terrorist?
Because you have to say if you are.
Then you might qualify to be an appropriately vetted element
of the armed opposition.
Come be part of an exciting and fast-paced work environment
where you'll work alongside a dynamic team of people
who, like you, are hopefully,
definitely not terrorists.
You'll be provided benefits packages that could include
standard-issue M16 rifles,
M249 light machine guns,
the hypothetical chance of a stable
democratic state in Syria,
and maybe rocket launchers.
And for a limbed time, this offer is also open
to bees and snakes.
So, sign up now.
Your future as an appropriately-vetted element
starts today.
[Cheering and applause]
Tomorrow is scheduled to be the last day
of the Supreme Court's current term.
After that, the only two cases they'll be considering
are pool noodle vs. pool noodle and mouth vs. margarita.
But before they go, they've got two decisions left to deliver,
including this one.
The biggest one we're waiting on at this point is Hobby Lobby.
This is the challenge to the administration's
HHS contraception mandate.
That's right. Hobby Lobby,
America's one-stop source for glitter and googly eyes,
could soon also be America's leading source of landmark
binding legal precedents.
Hobby Lobby's owners say that Obamacare's contraception mandate
conflicts with their Christian faith,
which means the whole case boils down
to one fundamental question.
Can a business, a for-profit corporation,
claim it has freedom of religion?
Do for-profit corporations have religious rights?
Do corporations have religious liberties
or do just individuals?
Are corporations a person able to exercise religious rights?
No, no, they're not. OK, we done?
Are we done here? Are we done?
I feel like we're done.
Apparently we're not done,
because thanks to the Citizens United ruling
in which corporations were deemed to have
the same free speech rights as people,
it is now a possibility they may get religious rights as well
and if they do, it's going to be pretty easy
to guess which religions they'll choose.
Einstein Brothers? Obviously Jewish.
Although they do sell bacon and are open on Saturdays,
so let's say more culturally Jewish than observant.
Meanwhile, Ben & Jerry's, clearly Buddhist.
Although not too Buddhist, or they'd be selling you pints of
cookies and nothingness.
And Taco Bell, I'm presuming, is Hindu, because you know
there's no fucking beef in those things.
[Cheers and applause]
But in the case of Hobby Lobby, the company's founders
are the devoutly Christian Green family.
And to be fair, their faith has led them to do
some genuinely admirable things.
We believe that the principles that are taught scripturally
are what we should operate our lives by,
and so it naturally flows over into the business.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: The company pays full-time
entry-level employees 90% above minimum wage
and devotes a very large portion of its profits
to a broad array of charities.
Well, that's fantastic.
Although, I wouldn't get on too high a horse
about the moral high ground of your company,
given that a solid chunk of your customer base are Etsy sellers
buying yarn to make handmade cock-and-ball cozies
and teenagers purchasing top-quality glue for huffing.
Oh, really, Bobby? You're into model airplanes, are you?
Build one for me right now!
You can't, can you, boy?
You're killing your mother!
You're killing her, Bobby!
But here's the thing. While Hobby Lobby's owners
are seemingly sincere in their beliefs,
their sincerity isn't really the point.
Just as it isn't the point with the other company
which is also part of this decision.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Conestoga Wood, a company that makes
parts for kitchen cabinets,
is owned by a Pennsylvania-based Hahn family.
They are Mennonites.
That's right. In addition to Hobby Lobby,
the government is also being sued
by Mennonites or, as I believe they're called, the Diet Amish.
The Mennonites are cabinet-making pacifists
who argue that they don't want to pay for something
that could take a human life.
But under that logic, that is why I
personally refuse to pay for Mennonite cabinets,
because Jason Bourne could, conceivably,
beat someone to death with one of those things.
What these companies are arguing
is that the sincerity of their beliefs should allow them
a line item veto over federal law.
But government is not an a la carte system
where you can pick and choose based on your beliefs.
Taxation is more of an all-you-can-eat salad bar.
You don't get to show up and go, "Look,
"I know it costs $10.99, but I'm only paying $7.50
because I have a moral objection to beets."
Because of course you do.
They're an abomination of a root vegetable.
Their bland flavor and slimy texture
is an affront unto the Lord.
And if you can persuade enough people of that,
then you can have a referendum to remove beets
from the salad bar in the future.
But until such time, you're paying for those fucking beets.
Because everyone has their own version of beets.
I don't want my tax dollars
paying for abortions.
I don't want my tax dollars going in support
of this Israeli policy.
I don't want my tax dollars spent to support this mosque.
I don't want my tax money being used to buy illegal drugs.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: A shrimp running on a treadmill.
Not sure it's the best use of my tax dollars right now.
I'm sure Pam in Kansas doesn't want her tax dollar
spent on some of the things that they're spending it,
especially Mexican prostitutes.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
OK. Look. I can see your point on the prostitution,
but those fat shrimp need help.
You think they like being called jumbo?
They're crying inside.
If you really want to be treated like a person,
corporations, then guess what?
Pay for things you don't like
is what it feels like to be one.
In fact, if corporations want to be people,
they should have to take the rough with the smooth.
For a start, companies should only get to have
the average lifespan of a person--79 years.
75 if they're based in Mississippi.
Oh, oh, and female companies,
you only get to make 83 cents on the dollar.
Sorry, Wendy, I guess it's just that Burger King
must have worked harder.
And that's just the big stuff.
There's also the little annoyances of being human,
so, Mr. Peanut, I hope you enjoy attending
your friends' shitty improv shows.
And Starbucks, get ready to have
your name spelled "Starburst" on your coffee cup.
And for G.M., who've admitted some responsibility
for the deaths of a minimum of 13 people,
I've got some bad news for you.
People who do that generally don't get off
with a fucking fine.
And now this.
MALE ANNOUNCER: And now, politicians literally misusing
the word "literally."
The arrogance here is literally breathtaking.
Why should any of us attack children?
Literally take food out of the mouths of children.
And literally had to bludgeon and pummel them
into doing, not physically.
Literally went ballistic.
Literally howling.
Literally strangling.
Literally hanging high and very dry.
Literally thank you.
And finally, finally tonight.
It was the gay pride parade today in New York,
which capped a month-- [Cheering and applause]
which capped a great month of significant advances
for marriage equality in America.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: The White House is granting new benefits
to same-sex couples, including those who live in states
where gay marriage is against the law.
To date, 19 states and the District of Columbia
have legalized marriage quality and the momentum continues.
That's right. We are nearly halfway
to full nationwide marriage equality,
which means it's about to become
a question of which state is going to be last.
Who could it possibly be, Mississippi?
We don't know. We don't know, Mississippi.
It could be anyone, Mississippi.
Now, I know it's a little premature,
but I do think this might be one of those moments
where we're allowed to feel great about this country.
Marriage equality is sweeping the nation, and America did it!
Strike up the band!
Bring out the rock-n-roll George Washington and the Americake!
Yes! *
I see no reason why this feeling is ever going to end!
It's fantastic. Yes!
Ok, OK, OK. Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Because unfortunately, this month has also brought
less good news from other countries.
There is great controversy over the new UN
General Assembly president.
Uganda's Sam Kutesa has been
elected to the largely ceremonial role,
but thousands have signed a petition against the appointment
because of Uganda's harsh laws on homosexuality.
Yeah, calling Uganda's laws harsh
doesn't really do them justice.
That's like calling Stalin a bit of a grump,
or the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire a whoopsie doo,
or the "Titanic" a disappointing vacation.
Because let's take a moment to remind ourselves
about what Uganda's laws actually contain.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: On Monday, the president of Uganda
signed a sweeping anti-gay bill into law.
It makes it illegal simply to be gay in the country
and imposes harsh prison sentences for offenders.
So, the moral arc of the universe is long,
and it bends away from Uganda.
And the law isn't just putting gays at risk of imprisonment.
Since it passed the Ugandan legislature,
the number of recorded acts of persecution
has increased between 750% and 1900% from previous years.
It's gotten to the point where people from the Dark Ages
could build a time machine, travel to 2014 Uganda,
step outside and go, "Ah, shit, it didn't work."
OK. Nice try. Get back in.
Now, you might wonder how can the UN
allow a representative of the Ugandan government,
which has also been accused of corruption
and the brutal suppression of dissent,
to be in charge of their general assembly?
MALE ANNOUNCER: Sam Kutesa is chosen without a vote.
The selection is done on geographical rotation
and African countries had already agreed
he'd be their candidate.
Oh, that's fine, then. So, it's just their turn.
Essentially, the UN apparently works
according to the same principle as family movie night where,
even if your little sister picks "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Princess Twilight Sparkle"
for the third time, you have to watch it
because it's her fucking turn.
The fact that, in the 21st century,
81 countries have laws outlawing homosexuality
is incredibly depressing.
Although, in a way,
it shows how lucky we are to live here.
Because remember, when it comes to advances in marriage quality,
America did it!
Am I right, cheerleaders?
[Cheers and applause] Yes, my dancing Lincoln is here!
This exuberance is never going to blow up in our face!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
OK. OK.
Oh, this feels so good.
Just out of interest,
where did Uganda get the idea
to come up with such hateful laws?
MALE ANNOUNCER: Uganda has had laws against homosexuality
for virtually all the past century.
They were introduced in the old British colonial days.
[Laughter]
Whoopsie daisy.
I've gotta be honest-- being British is sometimes
a little like being an alcoholic.
When someone says you did something awful,
you find yourself going, "Honestly,
"I don't even remember doing that,
"but yeah, probably, probably.
"I'm a dick. I'm a dick.
What do you want me to say?"
OK. So, fundamentally, it's the British people's fault.
But, you know, I live in America now,
so, I've still got a pretty warm feeling inside me,
unless someone is about to take that away from me.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: The irony, gay rights activists say,
is that it was a small group of American evangelicals
who came to Uganda speaking out against homosexuality,
which was already illegal,
that really took the persecution of the LGBT community
to a new level.
Wait, so what you're essentially saying is,
America did this?
*
No! No! No!
Get back in that cake!
Get back in that cake and get out of here!
All of you, get out of here and think about what you've done!
Shame on you! Shame on you!
OK. OK.
So, it turns out American anti-gay activists
were in Uganda in the run-up to the passage of the law.
And let's meet just one of them.
Scott Lively. Now, if that name rings a bell,
you may know him as one of those far-right Christians
who go on TV and say things like this.
I think Mr. Obama may well be a homosexual himself.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's clearly wrong.
It's not Mr. Obama, it's President Obama.
President Obama is a homosexual. Get it right.
Have some respect.
Now, if you live in Massachusetts,
you may also know Scott Lively as that crazy guy
currently running for governor,
and who's attempting to take back
the symbol of the rainbow from the gays by promoting this song.
WOMAN: * The rainbow belongs to God *
* Untouched by evil desire
Whoa. Whoa.
I feel like if Kermit ever heard that song,
he would immediately insist on one fewer songs about rainbows.
Look, Scott Lively is clearly an idiot.
And luckily, over here, we just get to laugh at him.
You are never going to stop AIDS
until you stop treating
homosexual sodomy as a civil right
and start treating it as a form of conduct to avoid.
[Laughter]
The guy's material is killing out there.
What's up with how HIV's only transmittable between homosexuals, huh?
Is this on? Huh? Huh?
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
Unfortunately, though, in Uganda,
it is a very different story.
MAN: In America, he's a nobody.
But in Africa, this extremist guy becomes this spokesperson
and is able to address the entire parliament
for 5 hours.
I don't know what's more shocking there,
that he addressed the parliament at all
or that he did it for 5 hours.
Because listen, if your hard-on for homophobia lasts 5 hours,
you need to seek medical attention.
And he didn't just stop there.
Scott Lively spoke on Ugandan TV
and gave seminars attended by Ugandan government officials.
And here is where Scott Lively
is about to get considerably less funny.
Increasingly, lesbians are being molested by other women.
It's actually becoming more and more common
in the United States.
How dare you say that homosexuality
and pedophilia are equated?
Well, they are equated.
They have very little sense of mercy.
The Rwandan stuff probably involved these guys.
These were the Nazis. The Nazis.
It's like he just ate the most offensive package
of magnetic poetry and then vomited it
all over his audience.
And then later that year,
Uganda's anti-homosexuality bill was introduced,
and for the record, Lively says he doesn't approve of it
and disclaims any influence over it.
I do not support and never did support
the harsh penalties in terms of long prison sentences.
I don't believe in that. I never have.
No, of course not. You are simply saying, look, guys,
gay people are dangerous insidious Nazis.
Do with that information what you will.
Lively out. Lively out.
Why back off now, Scott? Own it!
If God hates gays as much as you think he does,
he's going to be pretty pissed at you
for not seeing this thing through.
And it's not just Scott Lively.
One of Uganda's most prominent anti-gay preachers
is a pastor named Martin Ssempa.
Let's listen in on one of his lovely sermons.
I've gotta say, for an anti-gay pastor,
that man clearly had very quick access to a lot of fetish porn.
Very swift, just oh, there we go.
Martin Ssempa is not American. He has in the past, however,
received funding from the Canyon Ridge Christian Church in Las Vegas
and the U.S. government, which allocated his organization
$40,000 for abstinence education,
which he presumably responsibly spent on gay porn
to show during sermons.
But if you want a single sound bite
that sums up the depressing scale
of the American cultural influence
on Ugandan homophobia, it is this.
In the beginning, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Yeah. That's not a Uganda saying.
Let me give you 3 names that are not especially common in Africa:
Adam, Eve, and Steve.
So, clearly, U.S. groups
recognized the market for homophobia stateside was dwindling,
and so tried to sell it somewhere else,
meaning that Africa isn't just where we send our
losing team's Super Bowl shirts,
it's also where we now send our losing political philosophies.
And although the U.S. is now issuing sanctions
in reaction to these laws,
this is clearly a problem that Uganda is going
to have to solve itself.
And here we may have one small glimmer of hope,
because in researching this story, we found a clip
of an interview on a Ugandan morning show
with a transgender human rights activist
named Pepe Julian Onziema.
Pepe Julian Onziema, thank you for coming in.
Good morning. Why are you gay?
Whoa. OK, so, we're just jumping straight into it then.
No warmup question there. Straight into it.
And that set the tone for that activist's
hour-long marathon of restraint.
Don't you think gays, homosexuals,
lesbians, transgendered
should instantly be reoriented
other than receiving this kind of recognition,
because society seems to deem them as unnatural,
as people who are, may be lost.
Simon, you are sitting with me right now.
How unnatural is that?
Well, it's natural, but I'm just baffled.
Baffled? Yeah, but that's the point.
If you're baffled by something, you don't automatically
throw it in jail.
Otherwise, American prisons
would be full of Keurig coffee machines.
Wait. Is it water first, then the cup?
Do you take the lid off?
Somebody put this witchcraft behind bars!
It's wrong! It's morally wrong!
I'm frightened! [Cheering and applause]
But to his true credit, Pepe Onziema
somehow kept his cool the whole time.
Why do you recruit young boys and girls
into this gay activism?
There is no such thing as recruitment
of young people or adults or anything like that.
What is recruitment, first of all?
When you ask me about recruitment,
what do you mean by recruitment?
I mean trying to put them into your system,
teaching them what to do, how to go about it.
We do not do that.
How does a human being maintain that level of composure
and say, "We do not do that" rather than
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
And it got even worse. It got even worse
when they were joined by none other than Martin Ssempa,
who turned up with a bag full of vegetables
and a lot of questions.
They begin to use gadgets like bananas.
They use carrots. They use bananas.
They use cucumbers.
And add the metalized ones.
And they put them inside themselves.
These are the instruments you use.
These are vegetables.
Uh-huh.
I eat this on my plate.
Pepe Onziema is the Gandhi of Uganda.
He's U-Gandhi.
And I am truly honored to say
that he is actually joining us here this evening.
Please welcome Pepe Julian Onziema.
[Cheering and applause]
Please, please.
Pepe. Yes.
Thank you so, so much for being here.
I guess my first question has to be,
why are you gay?
[Laughter] No. No.
So, I just got that's how all interviews
in Uganda started.
The key question is, do you think
this law would have happened
if it were not for U.S. interference?
The answer is no. It wouldn't have happened
if it wasn't for U.S. influence.
Why I say that is for very many years,
we've had a penal code,
and we've done research to find out
how many people have been actually convicted
under the penal code that we have.
And there's probably just one case,
and the person did not serve the sentence.
So, no.
But it's not about-- it's not about
whether the laws are enacted, is it?
It's about the incitement
of the hatred around it.
In many ways, that can do more physical damage
than the threat of jail terms.
Absolutely.
Of course, with the penal code,
many of us have suffered under the penal--
you know, just the way it is
presented to the public,
many of us have suffered from evictions,
beatings on the street, arbitrary arrests, and so on.
However, that increased,
it changed with your influence.
Oh, you're from somewhere else.
Oh, I'm the double down. You know,
I sowed that seed as a British person
and now as someone who lives in America,
I fertilized the fuck out of that seed.
So, you're welcome, and sorry on both counts.
Sorry doesn't cut it.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
I love the fact that we have just seen
incredible restraint during that interview,
and it's with me that you're going,
"Yeah, you need to say fucking sorry."
[Laughter]
So, so, are you safe in Uganda?
I'm guessing the answer to that is not really.
Is that true?
Not really. I'm not exactly safe.
But to a certain extent I'm safe
because I stand my ground,
that I'm not going to change under fear.
I'm not going to run away from the country.
And the fact that you guys know about me
is a form of protection for me.
I look over my shoulder every day.
But there's not a place I'd rather be than be there
and make sure that the safety I need
actually happens in the country.
That's just--I cannot tell you how much--
[Applause]
I can't tell you how much
I thank you for being here
and how much I admire you for going back to Uganda.
Can I drink some water?
Go for it. Do you mind--
do you mind sticking around
and we'll talk more on the web? Is that OK?
Sure. That would be great.
If you want to watch an extended interview of this online,
please go down here.
My huge thanks to Pepe Julian Onziema.
Have a great week. We're off next week,
but we're back in two weeks.
Have a great week. Good night!
[Cheering and applause]
*